my future

whenever I was asked about my future, I would have a list of things to do and I thought I had it all figured out. but I don't, I don't think I ever really did. 

I think I was just telling myself and the people around me that I did. I was painting a happy picture for them

I've grown up a lot since then, mentally and emotionally. I see my future a lot differently. I see myself travelling, continuing  to blog my thoughts  and do photography and maybe just maybe be genuinely happy. 

lately I've been feeling more down that usual and no matter what I cant figure out what it is . 

maybe its the sudden drop in number of people who I used to call friends or its that feeling in the pit of stomach, that's I'm doing everything wrong. 

I've gone from feeling like a person in a very big crowd of people to standing on my own feeling like an outsider as I look on at people be happy and not have a care in the world.

I miss the feeling of freedom, I guess you could say its been a while.

-A

Am I Okay?

I guess for once I'd like for someone to look me in the eyes and ask me if I'm okay. 

I tell myself that I am, I'm okay but I know I'm lying to myself. 

I want my mom to take one look at me and know I'm not okay and to comfort me. 

But it never happens, it's just me, my pillow and my tears, just like always. 

I want my friends to help me but I'm too stubborn to ask. 

I want someone to look at me and say 'it'll be okay' but I'll always question will it? 

It's not certain I'll ever feel like this again but there a possiblily I will.

I hide everything behind a smile that I rip off as soon as I'm alone. 

My pillow stores my tears and those sad feelings. 

I wake up everyday and wonder will today be the day I've had enough?

 Is this the day I call it quits?

 -A

I Miss It

I miss it. I miss everything. I miss the good times. 

I miss spending time with my friends during the summer and knowing none of us had a care in the world. 

I miss meeting new people and bonding over the things we love and have in common. I miss seeing them at the most randomist times and laughing over it. 

I miss going to concerts and forgetting about my worries or what will people think of me.

I miss the day outs and nights in together. 

I miss it all and I haven't been  happy since.

Summer was different for me. I was more myself than I had ever been. 

I might love the Autumn and winter months but there's always the downside to it. 

I love the oversized jumpers and the hot chocolate and wearing layers of clothes at one time. 

But one thing I don't love is school. I don't fit in and I never will. I'm friends with people I don't think I can trust anymore. 

The awkward silence in between conversations shouldn't be there, it wasn't there months ago and it shouldn't now. 

I feel helpless and unguided.

I welcome the weekend with open arms and I dread the weekdays with all of my might.

I can slowly feel myself slipping into something and I fear I'll never slip out of it.

Will anyone ever notice? That I haven't been my true self since the last day of summer or maybe they've never payed enough attention to notice the difference in the first place.

I don't know when I'll feel complete again.

 I need freedom.

-A

• Growing up •

I watched Peter Pan again recently and It got me thinking about growing up. Is it scary? What if it doesn't work out the way I had planned it in my head? 

Adults worry about so much and one day that'll be me and I think do I really want that? The more I think about it the more I don't want to grow up.

 The responsibilities and the level of maturity thats expected isn't something I want to go by but it's what society expects. 

In Peter Pan, Peter couldn't love Wendy the way she wanted him to and I fear that'll be me and someone else in that situation. Always feeling like I'm unloved and unwanted and it's something I dread. 

To children Peter Pan is thrilling and adventurus and it makes them feel like they never want to grow up

But to us teenagers and soon to be adults it's more than that, it's eye-opening and to me especially it makes me fear the rest of my life and I never thought that'd happen to me. Is this the way many teenagers feel or is it just me ? 

I don't want to grow up and to feel old, I don't want to reach that point where I see teenagers and what they did and do wreckless and stupid because I know they're in my position and they're trying to make the most of what time that they have to be like that. They fear the future just like I did.

The way I think about it is that my happiness depends on how much I'm loving life. So sitting around a desk for the majority of my life working a okay job wouldn't cut it. I know I could be out exploring and traveling and seeing the world like I had dreamed about. 

I just don't want my happiness to be compromised for the sake of others who wouldn't waste a second to think about me. I don't want to stay here and feel unwanted and unloved.

I guess I fear life itself, because no one really knows what's around the corner. 

I fear everything because there's always a risk I'll feel sadness or pain or pure joy and it's something I don't know if I can stick around and face.

-A