A|J

It's been 4 months since we began talking 

It's been 7 months since I met you on my first day at my new job 

Your name pops up on my screen and it's hard to wipe the smile off my face 

It's been 7 months since we started talking and my smile widens when your name appears on my screen.

Seeing you in work makes my day so much better.  

4 months ago we stopped talking, something happened and our conversations came to an end. My days never felt the same after that. Your name didn’t appear on the screen of my phone but it never stopped me from glancing at it repeatedly hoping it would show up. This feeling I carried around with me was never calm and I felt like I was drowning in a never ending sea of waves. 

There were so many times I clicked your name and wrote a lengthy message about something that had happened and then realize that I couldn’t press send and that the message would never reach you. 

You were the first person to know all my news. You were always there for me regardless of any outcome and I was lost without you there. 

5 days ago, on a whim a text was sent and we began talking again and it was as if I could just feel this weight lift off my heart. It felt so good knowing that how I felt was also how you felt. 

It made me giddy, happy again just like when we first started talking to each other, I missed that feeling. Who knows if we’ll ever go back to the way we were but for now I’m content that we’re on the same page. At some point that page will turn and I hope we’ll turn it together.

A|J 

Graduation

Graduation: 

A word that symbolises an end of an era and a new beginning 

Recently as in this week, I walked into school on Monday knowing the next day I walked through the school doors it would never be the same.

On Monday I had all my last classes. I said thanks to many teachers.

I had my last lunch with my classmates and I heard the bell ring for the last time at half 3 

Many of us are eager to graduate, to start our lives but what we hadn't noticed was that our lives had already started, the day we were born. 

Secondary school was a means to an end.

It gave me 6 years of happiness, sadness and joy. 

We all say we won't miss it but ours tears shed at our graduation ceremony show otherwise. 

I watched my head girl give her speech and listened to her reminisce on our many adventures as a class. 

I'm mainly writing this as I'm struggling to believe the last 6 years of routine, people and memories are all a thing of the past now. 

I've always been scared of change and as you can imagine this is quite a big change.

I'll leave you all with a quote that was said at my graduation 

"You're braver than you believe and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think" - Winnie The Pooh 

-A

Friendship

I feel helpless. 

It's like I know what the upcoming months holds for me and it doesn't benefit me but I can't stop it from happening. 

I can't force friendship. But I can't lose you either. You've been there for me through so much and I don't know if I can stand alone without you. Your my rock. I've lost too many people and I can't bare to lose you as well. 

You got me through so much. 

Have I done something wrong? Am I not good enough for you anymore? Will you give me the "it's not you, it's me" speech? Or will it start by you just ignoring me? Will I ever get an explanation? Or will you get up and leave just like the others.

I'm not in a good place right now to be losing you. It's never a good time to lose you.  

But it seems inevitable with the ways things are going. But could this just be a phase? 

- Andi 

Goodbye 2016

I never really got to say goodbye to 2016 and I feel like its something I really need to do right now. 

2016 had it's moments like any year would. but if I'm completely honest it took a lot out of me. I  want 2017 to be different but with only 6 days in I feel like I've gotten nowhere.

2017 is a big year for me school wise. I have my leaving cert and where I go from there depends on the results I get in August. I feel like I can't start living until then but I turn 18 in may and I cant help but think my life ends then and I'm scared. I look back on my life and it's like I've done nothing significant, nothing that's stands out among everyone else and it frightens me immensely. 

my heads just a little messed up right now 

I just want to leave it all behind in 2016 and start new this year. 

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people just exist" - Oscar Wilde
  

time to say goodbye

It was your birthday on the 23rd of this month and while I tried to ignore the date staring back at me on my phone screen it was impossible. I had family members come up and say it to me, I saw a few Facebook friends birthday wishes to you pop up on my newsfeed 

People still ask me about u, how your doing, what your up to and Id just wish they'd stop, we haven't talk in over a year but it feels much longer than that 

A memory post from Facebook came up on ur birthday, reminding me that 2 years ago I had posted on your wall and I stood still for a couple of minutes staring at the collage of photos that date back to 2011,it sits there with a big paragraph about how much I loved you and that you were the best friend I ever had.

Those photos reminded me that I had spent 5 years of my adolescent life by your side, we told each other everything and now we barely look each other in the eyes. It's funny how a small yet simple argument can throw away 5 years of friendship that we thought would last a lifetime 

Each photo I looked at held a story at automatically played in my head. They were such good times. I look at them now but they're just a story that has since ended. 

You made moving on look so easy, but you were always good at that; hiding your emotions where I was the exact opposite. 

I don't think our spilt has ever registered with me but at the same time it feels like we were never friends to begin with. My memories with you seemed like they were a lifetime ago. 

Did I ever really matter to you ? 

I'm much happier now, I have friends who are like sisters to me, I wouldn't and couldn't let them go as easy as you seemed to slip away  

I've moved on, you no longer impact my life like you once did but that's okay cause our friendship ending might have been the best thing to ever happen to me, even if I didn't realise it at the time. 

Bye R 👋🏻

All I wanted

When I was younger, all I wanted to do was grow up.
Be a teenager and have fun and lots of friends.
But;
They don't tell you it's not what you pictured it to be
They don't tell you about the sleepless nights in bed crying.
They don't tell you about the expectations.
They don't tell you about the anxiety you'll have.
They don't tell you about the feeling of being overwhelmed.
They don't tell you about the stress of exams
They don't tell you about the lectures you'll have about your "Future"
They don't tell you about the feeling of loneliness
They don't tell you anything.

-Andi

10th February

The morning started like any other. We were all to busy with our everyday lives to take notice that this day 9 years ago you sadly but gracefully fell into the arms of god.

9 years have gone by and you've missed so much. Countless birthdays, Christmas's, communions, confirmations, a wedding and soon to be the birth of a new family member. For some unknown reason I feel like if you were still here today everything would be different.

 Your kids wouldn't hate each other and I wouldn't be in the middle of them picking sides. 

It's odd to think you haven't been around all this time. It's like you've gone on a long holiday and we have yet to join you. 

I'm sorry if it seems like we've forgotten you. Just know we haven't, your always with us wherever we go. It's hard to forget you,  sometimes you just wander into my mind and I'm reminded of the very few memories we have together. 

You were the person to give me my first phone. A pink flip phone. 

It was your house I'd send night after night in refusing to go home. 

It was you who brought me out on little adventures to the cinema or town when there was nothing To do.

It was you who looked after me when my mam broke her foot and was bedridden. 

It was you I wrote a letter to on my favourite barbie stationary set to place in your coffin. 

It was you I had to watch being lowered into the ground at the graveyard.

It was you who left me those necklaces with my first initial on it 

It's you I'm forever missing.

Always missing you Auntie A 💫 

10/2/07

Love Andi xx