time to say goodbye

It was your birthday on the 23rd of this month and while I tried to ignore the date staring back at me on my phone screen it was impossible. I had family members come up and say it to me, I saw a few Facebook friends birthday wishes to you pop up on my newsfeed 

People still ask me about u, how your doing, what your up to and Id just wish they'd stop, we haven't talk in over a year but it feels much longer than that 

A memory post from Facebook came up on ur birthday, reminding me that 2 years ago I had posted on your wall and I stood still for a couple of minutes staring at the collage of photos that date back to 2011,it sits there with a big paragraph about how much I loved you and that you were the best friend I ever had.

Those photos reminded me that I had spent 5 years of my adolescent life by your side, we told each other everything and now we barely look each other in the eyes. It's funny how a small yet simple argument can throw away 5 years of friendship that we thought would last a lifetime 

Each photo I looked at held a story at automatically played in my head. They were such good times. I look at them now but they're just a story that has since ended. 

You made moving on look so easy, but you were always good at that; hiding your emotions where I was the exact opposite. 

I don't think our spilt has ever registered with me but at the same time it feels like we were never friends to begin with. My memories with you seemed like they were a lifetime ago. 

Did I ever really matter to you ? 

I'm much happier now, I have friends who are like sisters to me, I wouldn't and couldn't let them go as easy as you seemed to slip away  

I've moved on, you no longer impact my life like you once did but that's okay cause our friendship ending might have been the best thing to ever happen to me, even if I didn't realise it at the time. 

Bye R 👋🏻

All I wanted

When I was younger, all I wanted to do was grow up.
Be a teenager and have fun and lots of friends.
But;
They don't tell you it's not what you pictured it to be
They don't tell you about the sleepless nights in bed crying.
They don't tell you about the expectations.
They don't tell you about the anxiety you'll have.
They don't tell you about the feeling of being overwhelmed.
They don't tell you about the stress of exams
They don't tell you about the lectures you'll have about your "Future"
They don't tell you about the feeling of loneliness
They don't tell you anything.

-Andi

10th February

The morning started like any other. We were all to busy with our everyday lives to take notice that this day 9 years ago you sadly but gracefully fell into the arms of god.

9 years have gone by and you've missed so much. Countless birthdays, Christmas's, communions, confirmations, a wedding and soon to be the birth of a new family member. For some unknown reason I feel like if you were still here today everything would be different.

 Your kids wouldn't hate each other and I wouldn't be in the middle of them picking sides. 

It's odd to think you haven't been around all this time. It's like you've gone on a long holiday and we have yet to join you. 

I'm sorry if it seems like we've forgotten you. Just know we haven't, your always with us wherever we go. It's hard to forget you,  sometimes you just wander into my mind and I'm reminded of the very few memories we have together. 

You were the person to give me my first phone. A pink flip phone. 

It was your house I'd send night after night in refusing to go home. 

It was you who brought me out on little adventures to the cinema or town when there was nothing To do.

It was you who looked after me when my mam broke her foot and was bedridden. 

It was you I wrote a letter to on my favourite barbie stationary set to place in your coffin. 

It was you I had to watch being lowered into the ground at the graveyard.

It was you who left me those necklaces with my first initial on it 

It's you I'm forever missing.

Always missing you Auntie A 💫 

10/2/07

Love Andi xx 

NO. 17

It felt weird the first couple of weeks you were gone. I went from seeing you everyday to never seeing you again. It was so sudden the way you left, I never expected to wake up to find you gone, while I had slept through the shouting and screaming. 

You sat there and watched it all.

 I had no clue of what you went through that night but it was enough to make you leave and start anew somewhere else. 

It was awhile before anyone knew where you had gone and People spoke their thoughts of your safety and well-being but I think it was just to make conversation. 

It almost been 2 years since that night you left and never turned back. The only way I know your okay is through facebook posts. I thought it was weird at first, that you could just move on like that and forget what life you had here but I came to realise that I, just like everyone else had forgotten you were even here in the first place. I had moved on just like you had.

Months went on and everyone's routine continued on as normal and it felt as if you were never here. 

Your house though is the only reminder of you as it lies empty among the family filled homes. It's the only thing left that connects this neighbourhood, this community and these memories to you.

2016

2016 is a new year, to be filled with new memories and new adventures. so go and live, fill your head with those memories of friends and family and good times. There's so much we can do in our years on this planet. so go and get lost in those moments and be free. scatter your thoughts and opinions across the world. You are you and no one can change that. 

my memories

my memories are important to me, they're my everything. But you can only hold on to so many before you start to forget some. 
I miss them 
Andi xxx